3 Adar II - My baby girl is 1 month old

My house is a mess...

I desperately need to do laundry (especially since I am in limbo between maternity clothes and regular clothes and only a handful of things fit)...

My coffee is getting cold...

I am beyond tired...

and yet I spend my time watching my beautiful daughter sleep.

Today she is one month old according to the Jewish calendar. I am still in awe of the beautiful baby girl that Hashem blessed us with. I am so grateful that (most of the time) she is an easy baby. She only cries when she is hungry or needs her diaper changed. She quickly adjusted her days and nights. She may prefer to sleep in our arms than in her bassinet, which can make it hard to get anything done, but it is also the sweetest feeling to hold her while she sleeps.

I am still working on her birth story. It is long, mainly because there are so many details and emotions, and I am having trouble putting it down on paper. We had a birth plan. I had a very long labor. And in the end things did not go as planed. Yes, b"H, I have a healthy baby, but that does not take away the emotional struggles that I have been fighting as a result of having a c-section. I need to take the time and get it all out. And I want to share it because I have encountered so many people who think a healthy baby erases all the trauma that can be associated with c-sections. So I am writing and editing and taking breaks to watch my baby girl sleep and listen to her sleep noises, which are so very cute.

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new." ~Rajneesh

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Your Abba and I cannot wait to meet you. As your due date of February 1 has come and gone, we are growing increasingly anxious to get to know you, to hold you, to see what you look like. We also are waiting for the day we can call you by your real name instead of "Lulu."

Although I have not met you yet, you are already teaching me that I need to be more patient and to learn that I cannot schedule everything. While I joke that you are your Abba's daughter, being "late" and all, I hope that you will also be like me, and be an independent girl and do things when you are ready, not because it is the socially acceptable thing to do. Your Grandma Kathy always tells me that women are stronger, and while I have to sometimes remind myself of that, I hope you will learn that early on.

I have thought about all things I hope and dream for you, but they are really not important as long as you are healthy and happy. I know every parent wants things to be just perfect for their baby, and of course that is what I want for you. At the same time, I know the truth, that life is not easy and that I should not try to fool myself into thinking that I can protect you from the realities of the world.

I can, however, teach you to have emmuna (faith) in Hashem and a love for Torah. I can teach you that while things may not always happen the way you, or your Abba, or I want them to, things happen the way they are supposed to. Being pregnant with you has been mostly easy, but there have been a few trying times as well. I will also admit that waiting for your arrival right now has truly forced me to focus myself on the fact that you will come into this world when it is your time.

I realize that this letter may be a bit scatter brained, but I want you to know that I love you more that words can say, and that being pregnant with you is the best thing that has ever happed to me.

Good Shabbos and Chodesh Tov.

Love,

Ima